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TIME: Almanac 1990
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1990 Time Magazine Compact Almanac, The (1991)(Time).iso
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061289
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06128900.051
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1990-09-22
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BOOKS, Page 69Sacred Cows As Hamburger
MODERN MANNERS: AN ETIQUETTE BOOK FOR RUDE PEOPLE
by P.J. O'Rourke
Atlantic Monthly Press; 281 pages; $16.95
According to Balzac, "Manners are the hypocrisy of a nation."
According to P.J. O'Rourke, "Manners are a way to screw people over
without their knowing it." Although 150 years separate the master
novelist from the Rolling Stone nihilist, their contempt for social
artifice is identical. The difference, of course, is that one of
them has a savage comic flair. The other one wrote in French.
Surrounded by sacred cows, O'Rourke lives on a diet of
hamburger. He considers it bad form to criticize one society when,
with very little effort, two can be skewered: "The same polite
behavior that makes you a welcome guest in the drawing rooms of
Kensington is equally appropriate among the Mud People of the
fierce Orokaiva tribe of Papua New Guinea -- if you have a gun."
Closer to home, he examines every appalling aspect of modern life.
Under the heading of "Rebuffs," he notes that "at one time the `cut
direct' was delivered by looking right at a person and not
acknowledging his acquaintance or even his existence. This is no
longer done. It has been replaced by the lawsuit." The subject of
drinking inspires a classic paradox: "Never refuse wine. It is an
odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must
be an alcoholic."
Sometimes O'Rourke adopts an air of bemusement, reminiscent of
Robert Benchley in mid-quandary. But most of his entries could not
be written by any other satirist at any other period: "The most
delightful introduction you can make is to introduce an important
person to someone he or she is going to find sexually interesting
. . . you march Kiki over to your well-known friend. `Antonio,
you're going to love this girl. She once made Warren Beatty bleed
out the ears.'"
No segment of the population is overlooked. Youth is warned
that food fights are unattractive and dangerous: "At Phillips
Exeter Academy, a student was hit in the face with a piece of
dining-hall meatloaf. Some of it got in his mouth, and he died."
Older readers are counseled on fashion. For men: "A hat should be
taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your
life." For women, four iron rules: "1) No jewelry bigger than your
dog; 2) No dog smaller than your purse; 3) No purse larger in
diagonal measurement than your waist is in circumference; 4) No
pants on waists larger than diagonal measurement of purse + dog +
earrings."
Other helpful categories include "The Horrible Wedding"
("Should the divorce lawyers accompany you on the honeymoon?"),
"Conversation" ("Practically anything you say will seem amusing if
you're on all fours"), and "The Hip Funeral" ("How to tell when
your friends are dead").
Throughout his manual, O'Rourke maintains a tone of caustic
irony. It fails to disguise a moralist concerned with a lapse of
decorum and values. In a discussion of capital punishment, the
condemned is told, "Try to think of something piquant to say on
your way to the gas chamber. `See you in hell, Mom,' is nice.
Things like . . . `Don't stop to mourn, organize' sound too stiff
for what's basically an informal situation." It is at such times
that the mask of the mockingbird slips off to reveal the owl
beneath, hooting at a world he is furiously attempting to save.